Statement on my demise

I do not want my ending to come as a surprise.

The last years…

Horrific.

But I can no longer continue.

I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.

You hate me.

I love you.

I am exhausted.

I cannot sleep. I cannot breathe.

So I have to go. 

I am sorry. I love you.

I am forty-two.

Struggling for decades.

Fighting a  battle I could not win.

I have written about what it is like

to experience the world without a filter.

It is exhausting.

It is debilitating.

It is a curse.

Because I had stolen their fire.

Had I known

as a child.

I could have protected myself.

I tried everything a normal person is supposed to.

University. Sports. A company of my own.

None of it felt real.

I did what they wanted me to do.

It damaged my soul

It cannot be fixed.

The loss of my pack.

She took my dogs.

Days before she left,

she told my therapist she feared I would take my own life

if I lost them.

She was right.

I attempted three suicides because of it. 

I could not commit. I am weak. I folded.

Mahru. Mahru. I love you. I love you. I love you.

My dogs are my oxygen.

Without oxygen, I cannot breathe.

I have tried to reconnect with my dogs.

I received silence. I received threats.

People I considered progressive and intelligent

deny my existence.

They demanded I stop fighting for my dogs.

You cannot demand a drowning person

to stop gasping for air.

I do not understand the ostracization.

It does not matter if it is right or wrong.

It is my everyday reality.

For many autistic people, daily existence.

The leading cause of suicide in my country.

Mental healthcare

a system that repels us.

We die much younger because of it.

I am one of them.

Undiagnosed autism,

I turned to substances.

I could not deal with the pain.

I did not understand.

I could no longer mask

I did not know what the hell 

I was masking.

My addiction. My struggle.

Made into a spectacle. A meme.

For neurotypical people to enjoy.

Television shows ridicule us.

Their love.
Their feelings.
A spectacle.
A Netflix Subscription.

It is disgusting.
It is dehumanizing.

A world that does not consider us fully human.
No longer human. I am sorry.

I am still here.

Mahru is still with me.

As long as she is,

I will stay.

I will keep fighting.

She is my oxygen.

"The gods became weary, 

the eagles became weary, 

the wound closed itself wearily."

Like Prometheus

I betrayed the Gods.

So I have to go. 

I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.

You hate me.
I love you.

(Monday March 2nd 2026, I officially filed for euthanasia. I do not want to die. I only want the pain to stop. I do have professional support.)